Mosquitos Suck


A world without mosquitos. 

The deadliest creature alive probably munched on you this summer. This dastardly winged creature is responsible for the death of over a million people this year. They are nature’s most efficient carrier of deadly viruses. They are responsible for transmitting Malaria, Dengue Fever, Yellow fever, Encephalitis, Chikungunya, West Nile, the Zika Virus, and even heartworm through their saliva. Can you believe it? They even go after the dogs, the heartless wankers.

That is quite the résumé you have little insect.

And did you know, that it’s only the female mosquitos that suck our blood? I would hope they had a good reason, and they do, it’s for the children— for the mosquito children for Gosh sakes. Does that make you feel any more giving? Here take my blood. You need it more than I, you’re using the protein and iron to make darling little mosquito eggs.

Just jesting. No. No more life essence for you, tiny reaper of death. It only contributes to the horror— these mini-vamps steal our blood, only to create more creatures to steal our blood. Count Dracula was a mosquito. I’m certain of it.

We might curse Mother Nature for the creation of this plague upon nations, but it is a frugal system once your blood goes into the insect. The female mosquito squeezes the water from your blood, and then she pees it out on you as she fills up to maximum capacity on red blood cells. I guess they had time to become efficient. After all, they were here 20 million years before us.

Not only do they pee on you, an abuse I never knew, but did you know mosquitos are magicians? How many nasty needle-like proboscises do you think the heinous little beast has? One? Nope. And the buzzard sounds— Six! There are six needle-like pieces entering your flesh in a mosquito bite. The outer mandibles saw into your skin, the second set holds the tissues apart as they saw, the hypopharynx drips saliva into the opening to prevent blood from clotting, and last but not least the labrum sucks it up by joining up with the hypopharynx to form a straw. Slurp, slurp. How creepy is that? Do you feel violated yet?


A child-like drawing to show all the needles in a mosquito proboscis, and the pee coming out as she hordes the red blood cells and gets rid of the water.

Did you know that mosquito is Spanish for little fly? Which is brilliantly different from a Spanish fly. Well maybe not so different. A Spanish fly is an aphrodisiac made from ground up blister beetles. The term was wildly popular in the 1980’s. When it’s eaten, it’s supposed to make men amorous. A common side effect is death. A mosquito with malaria could kill you too. So when we examine the terms in that light, they are actually quite similar.

Did you know a male mosquito lives for five to seven days? Yet the female can live up to a month. I find that fact oddly satisfying.

Now here’s an odd ball but curious question. How many mosquitos would it take to drain an adult human of their blood? It would take approximately one million mosquitos to drain you dry. But truth be told, you would be dead before then anyway. Your body would be releasing so much histamine you’d go into shock and die long before all your blood had been transformed into mosquito eggs. It’s probably for the best.

And one last freakish question— how big does one mosquito have to be, to drain you dry? In theory  it would need to be the size of a large dog, but then considering the upgraded size of the outer saw like mandibles, it might become more of a person sawed in half magician trick without the revival. I think I’ll stick to the little blood sucking buggars I can smack.

Are you looking forward to winter yet?

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