Be Warned, Be Damned

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This morning I learned my inversion table could cause my death.

Should I be fearful? Maybe my inversion table attire should include a hardhat, steel toe boots, and a brilliant orange safety vest with an iridescent yellow x on the back. When I viewed the warning label on my gismo, I couldn’t help but wonder, what sort of brainiac would neglect to fasten the leg straps when they have chosen to hang upside-down. In the past, the damaging result would been identified as natural selection. Or perhaps, a more rational reason for the warning label is, that the company must protect themselves from devious bastards. You all know who I’m alluding to, those individuals that ferret out the absence of warning labels, so they can purposely injure themselves, and sue the crapola out of a company.

In the future, I envision holograms popping up as informational warnings before using any allegedly dangerous items. I imagine myself stepping onto my inversion table. Suddenly, a hologram springs to life in the form of a safety officer wearing a sky blue uniform with a  brass badge pinned on her chest.  She’ll raise a threatening hand. “Stop right there,” she’ll say with all the enthusiasm of a cheerleader on nose whiskey. “Do you realize you could drop onto your head, and break your neck if you don’t fasten your ankle straps securely?” The first time Miss. Teehee Jollygasm appears, I can imagine being agreeable. “Absolutely,” I would say, “I’ m not an idiot, straps are always a good idea… unless you’re a school principal, or protesting sadomasochism.” But by the fourth ghostly visit, I’d tell the hologram to get stuffed, and by the tenth time of being commanded by an artificial presence, I would tear into the machine hunting for the newfangled forever internal battery, and rip out wires like a warthog foraging for roots.

Are we for real as a society? I’m seriously questioning the evolution of the human species. Please read for your amusement this short list of warnings and cautions on random items.

On a bag of peanuts — Warning: Contains peanuts, not suitable for nut and sesame allergy sufferers due to the methods used in the manufacturing of this product. I have no words.

Warning label for front load washing machines— During high-speed spins do not put any person in this washer. Interesting, is it okay on the gentle cycle? But wait, hold on here, super informative warning label, if you are stuffing a person into a washing machine, I tend to think your intentions are not aligned with the safety and welfare of others.

A warning label on a warning label—Read before using, read directions, cautions, and warnings carefully. If you do not understand, or cannot read all directions, cautions and warnings. Do not use this product. The idiocy is self-explanatory.

Safety rule for a drill—This product is not intended for use as a dental drill or medical appliance. Hmmm, I’ll be sure to let the mafia know.

Danger, do not feed or molest the alligators— Gators cannot be tamed, and feeding them can result in them mistaking a hand for a handout. The law prohibits the feeding or molesting of all alligators. Is it just me? Or am I the only one who wants to watch a person trying to molest an alligator.

Found on a hairdryer, Instructions for use— Do not use while sleeping. At first, I thought this was a ridiculous warning. However, after researching it, apparently, there is an addiction to sleeping with your hairdryer. Who knew? Blow me baby… Blow me.

A warning on matches—Caution, contents may catch fire. In a surprising turn of events, the matches were the best fire starter of the day.

An iron-on transfer for a t-shirt— Do not iron on while wearing the shirt. What event has transpired that has resulted in a need for this caution? Maybe the instigator of the warning looked down at his or her stark white T-shirt, and suddenly had a deep desire for a multicoloured design. Did the person pant breathlessly begging, “Must have color now… neeeed it. Dooo it! Just do it! I can’t wait.”

On a box of rat poison— Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice. Cancer? You mean it didn’t kill the mice? Maybe the warning was meant to direct you away from touching the poison. Now, call me crazy, but if you’re like me,  I would surmise it’s never a good idea to touch poison with bare hands, but then again, there are those reckless humans out and about, probably the same ones that are trying to molest the alligators.

So gang, what do you think? Are people really neglecting to connect the dots, or are companies just covering their substantial buttocks from the possibility of being sued? I have noticed people are quite brilliant when it comes to technology, but when it comes down to survival, the warning signs are all over the place. Let’s face it, trial and error mentors genius, and experience is the best professor on the planet. I vote to remove the warning labels and let natural consequences prevail.

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