“Feed me!” growls the beast. It has wielded its way into my being, and taken possession of my soul. Saliva drips from the corner of my mouth and splats upon the ground. The relentless hunger is a gaping hole. It is my appetite for praise and kudos. My Ego has come forth to seek sustenance.
At the height of my feelings of unworthiness, my Ego silently stalks the lives of others with the intent of ripping them apart. It picks at the sore spots and feeds with ravenous vigour on their juicy dramas. The taste of spicy words sits on the edge of my tongue ready to add flavour to the attack. It feels orgasmic to lash out and whip another with snide comments and pointed jabs. Having fully gorged on others supposed delicious failings I suddenly find the monster inside has abated. I realize a self-reset is needed before others are sacrificed on the bloody alter of my ego. Where’s the damn easy button now?
My ego’s massive head whips around in discomfort sensing my lucid thoughts. We are bound together. I am gagged and tied to its bulk. It stomps off with heavy-footed steps foraging ahead in search of people and things to complain about in order revel in their inequities.
The stench of judgement is overwhelming to me. I summon my sharp inner wisdom and manage to wiggle free. I leap in front of my demon-like Ego barring its path of destruction. I stand toe to toe with the creature staring up at this beast of my own making. “Wait!” I scream, and spittle flies from my lips.
Its dreadful gaze full of self-loathing focuses on me. Its low growling tone vibrates inside my chest, “Shut up, you weak snivelling mass of flesh.” It reaches out and snatches me by the throat. It holds me high, and my feet dangle like a clapper in a bell. Its claw tipped fingers squeeze, and I cannot breathe. I stare into the hostile eyes and manage to gasp, “I love you.”
With those words the fingers relax and shame falls away like a shimmering silver shower from the sky. The hideous being shrivels down to the size of me. It blinks with sadness and confusion.
I rub my throat, “It’s okay,” I croak. “ You’ve been infected by others needing you to be this, and needing you to be that. You’ve been listening to the voice in your head telling you you’re not good enough, and you’ll never amount to anything. You need to forget about what anyone else says, or implies, and you most certainly need to stop looking around for others approval. Just be you. Who cares what anyone else thinks.”
My Ego steps away creating a space between us, “Easy for you to say, the only reason I get out of control is because I’m starving. If you would just feed me a little TLC, that’s all I would need to stay satisfied. But no, you ignore my needs. Well, that’s when I fend for myself, I look around to see what’s tasty today.” My Ego said giving a slight shiver. A glassy eyed grin crosses her face. “It’s feels delicious when someone tells me I’m doing a good job.”
I raise my eyebrows, “Yeah? Well that’s the slow start of it.”
My Ego chuckles, “ Mwahahaha, at least it’s not like last time. The last time I went searching for gratification you almost had to buy shelving for everything I bought to fill the hole.”
I scrunch up my face and wipe my brow, “I know, I still have adds in the local Buy and Sell trying to get rid of the stuff. Maybe we could work together next time, and try to get a handle on your feelings before you turn into the Hulk.” I rub my neck feeling the residual tightness in my throat, “ You almost killed me this time.”
My Ego scoffs, “You’re overreacting. If you die, then I die.”
“Well, I feel like I almost died,” I grumble.
My Ego shrugs, “Well then, get a hold of yourself. Any imagined feelings of unworthiness are because of our thought patterns.”
“Yeah, I know,” I answer, “It’s just so easy to forget that long ago when we were born caterwauling to the sky we had everything we needed to succeed within ourselves— we still do.”
“La de da, Miss. Positive pants, get rid of the camel toe and tell me something I don’t know,” My Ego quips twirling like a ballerina on steroids.
I put my hand out against the wall trying to steady the swirling world “I wish you wouldn’t do that. You do realize—” I sigh, squeezing my eyes shut, “this whole talking to my Ego thing could put us in a straight jacket?”
“Does it come in blue?” asks my Ego. “I hope so. It would match my eyes.”