“Feed me!” growls my inner beast wielding its way into my evening and then promptly takes possession of my soul. My Ego extends a taloned foot crushing my easy going demeanor. It snarls. The beast’s lips curl revealing keen-edged teeth meant to slash and tear. Saliva drips from the corner of its mouth and splats upon the floor. Its relentless hunger is a gaping hole looking to be filled, a gnawing desire for praise and kudos. The cavern within me expands, and the monster takes overstepping into the outside world to satisfy its voracious appetite. The siren blares. All civilians please evacuate the area.
My half-starved Ego escapes. It begins its rampage by lashing out and stalking the lives of others with the intent of ripping them apart. The creature leaps on an innocent bystander and digs at the sore spots feeding with ravenous vigor on their juicy dramas. The flavor of spicy words perches on my tongue adding zest to the attack. My usual peaceable self is shoved to the side while I witness these hostile acts. Thin wisps of guilt form but nothing with enough substance to slow the onslaught. My Ego is out of control. It continues to thrash and whip others with snide comments and pointed jabs. It is almost orgasmic. Eventually, after gorging on others supposed delicious failings the inner monster slows. Guilt solidifies within me and I realize I need to break free for a timeout before anyone else is sacrificed on the bloody altar of my ego. Where’s the damn easy button now?
My ego’s massive head whips in refusal as it receives my lucid thoughts. We are still bound together. It has a powerful hold on me. I am gagged and tied to its bulk. It stomps off with heavy-footed steps foraging ahead in search of other people and things to criticize reveling in their failings. The stench of judgment overwhelms me. I summon my sharp blade of inner wisdom and slash my way free. I leap in front of my demon-like Ego barring its path of destruction. I stand toe to toe with the creature glaring into the glowing eyes of the beast. “Wait!” I scream. Spittle flies from my lips.
Its gaze full of self-loathing finally focuses on the wise-me. A low growling emanates from the monster vibrating inside my chest. It squeezes my heart in its powerful claw. “Silence! You weak, sniveling mass of flesh,” it demands. The beast releases my heart and snatches me by the throat. It holds me high. My feet dangle like a clapper in a bell. Its claw-tipped fingers clench. I cannot breathe. I stare into the hostile eyes and manage to gasp, “I love you.”
With those words, the fingers relax, and the inner smallness and shame fell away like a shimmering silver shower from the sky. The hideous being shrivels, blinking with sadness and confusion.
I rub my throat, “It’s alright, I forgive you,” I croak. “ It’s my fault you got out of hand. I’ve been listening to that voice in my head again telling me I’m not good enough, and I’ll never amount to anything.” I pause my lip trembles with all the nastiness I had released into the world. “Shit,” I said dropping my head. “I really need to stop listening to what anyone else says, or implies. And I especially need to stop looking around for others approval. Who cares what anyone else thinks.”
My Ego narrows it’s beady eyes until they have nearly dissappeared, “Damn right it’s your fault— Asshole. If you’d feed me once in a while, I wouldn’t need to break out and get out of control. Nothing wrong with telling yourself good job once in a while or boy you look nice today. A compliment here or there would keep me fed. But no you ignore me. You worry about getting too big headed and then starve me to the point of death. You’re to blame— Asshole.” said my Ego with a snort. A glassy-eyed, hideous grin crosses its face. “Admit it. You know how delicious it is when someone tells me I’m doing a good job— especially when you are always giving me shit for any itty bitty shortcoming.”
“Yeah, yeah, ” I answer nonchalantly, and then crane my neck for a closer look at my Ego’s teeth. I turn away in disgust. “Gross, don’t smile, I can see a piece of flesh between your molars. It looks like you took some skin off someone’s back.”
My Ego chortles, “ Mwah, ha, ha, ha. At least it’s not like last time, the last time you didn’t feed me, and I went searching for gratification it was a spending spree. You had to set up shelving for everything I bought to fill the hole.”
I rolled my eyes, “Gak— don’t even mention it. I still have things listed in the local Buy and Sell.” I pause for a moment and then continue, “I suppose it is my fault. I’ll make a more mindful effort to feed you from now on.” I rub my neck feeling the residual tightness in my throat, “ You almost killed me this time.”
My Ego scoffs, “You’re overreacting. I won’t kill you. If you die— I die.”
“Well, I feel like I almost died,” I grumble.
My Ego shrugs, “You’re in control.”
“Hmpt,” I grunt. “Easier said than done. There’s a definite push to be someone these days. We gotta be richer, smarter, more beautiful, and on and on. The first thing anyone asks you is what do you do? It all implies you aren’t good enough the way you are.”
“Pah! Bite your tongue before I bite it for you. Put on a pair of positive pants, get rid of the camel toe. Tell me something I don’t know,” said my Ego twirling like a ballerina on steroids. “Round and round we go. Get off the damn merry-go-round of listening to other people. Do what’s right for you. Whose life is this anyway?”
“Mine,” I reply shakily placing my hand against a wall trying to steady the swirling world “I wish you wouldn’t do that— You do realize—” I say with a sigh squeezing my eyes shut. “This whole talking to my Ego thing could put us in a straight jacket?”
“Does it come in blue?” asks my Ego. “I hope so. It would match my eyes.”